My America

[BiZarRE]

http://www.rap-royalty.com/forum/tex...ays-world.html
http://www.rap-royalty.com/forum/tex...lyin-high.html

My America

What ever happened to America? It's lost in a sea of ignorance,
Waging a war of unethical proportions with a fleet of flagrance,
The huddled masses looking for a leader with higher intelligence,
Little did the population know that they had just hired an irrelevant,
Man whose liberal mindset blinds him, driving the nation down under,
Making America the home for warfare, the next Haitian found wonder,
What's next Mr. President? Your colossal failures left us in wreckage,
Promising change and reformation, you have a selfish win fetish,
open your eyes, look at your cabinet, there's high affairs, because,
your political wrong doing has me wondering, where's my America?

[Velocity]

"What ever happened to America? It's lost in a sea of ignorance,
Waging a war of unethical proportions with a fleet of flagrance,"

Ignorance, and Flagrance don't rhyme on or off paper

"open your eyes, look at your cabinet, there's high affairs, because,
your political wrong doing has me wondering, where's my America?"

Where's my rhyme?

The piece has a good message but the execution was lacking, This is more a poem then a rap drop specifically because there is skips in your rhyme scheme. Either you are writing specifically towards alteration of words in spoken word, or you haven't fully grasped your own vocabulary yet. Either way you should be more clear.

-Velo-

This is not an insult, it's criticism, there is no way to improve that is better then realizing one's flaws.

There was good thought in this, but it could have been performed much better. Keep Elevatin'

[BiZarRE]

how do ignorance and flagrance not rhyme, the ignor- and flag- don't rhyme, but you make it sound like the words don't work, and sometimes you just need to read and realize that words written in text can be worked to rhyme, text is the gateway to audio,

thanks for the feed, next.

[Velocity]

Yea, word's can be twisted in speech to create a rhyme, it's one form of Slant rhyming.
But I'm saying, the syllable's don't rhyme, so in text or spoken it doesn't. Unless twisted in speech, which I mentioned in my feed.

"Either you are writing specifically towards alteration of words in spoken word, or you haven't fully grasped your own vocabulary yet"

Here's a break down.

Ig-Nor-Ance
Fla-gran-ce

The sound out doesn't come off the same, so the similitude in the word ending's don't create a solid rhyme themselves. This is why I mentioned alteration. Again with the questioning my feed. It's like I said man, I'm always here to help people improve, I'm not perfect, but I know my shit.

-Velo-

[BiZarRE]

wasn't talking about that, was talking about the last bar,

i don't want this in another text drop,

NEXT FEED

[Velocity]

Affair's and Where's rhyme, but America is left standing by itself, and that should never be with the ending of a drop unless there's a pause. Which is text should be shown as.

Where's, My America. OR Where's......My America.

That way the flow is more easily understood.

When bringing up things from each individual thing I critique you on, please tell me what is about what thing I said. Makes life for both of us a lot easier. Keep uppin.

-Velo-

[Detroit$ Own]

LOL...I gotta agree with Velo I mean I liked the message but the execution could have been crisper...with that being said TEXT is alwayz looked at and scrutinized differently from audio...in audio u can manipulate words and sounds and on TEXT shit has to be more concise...another thing: u dont have to bold ur multies man we can see where they come in at (at least those who are perceptive) STAY UP

[BiZarRE]

lol, okay

NEW PERSON FEED

[BiZarRE]

Originally Posted by Detroit$ Own

u dont have to bold ur multies man we can see where they come in at

you'd be suprised

[WHITE POWdER]

Flow could've been tweaked, be care of the syllables man. Now with accents and shit, it probably could flow on audio, it's different on text though, as interpretation to others. I liked the idea and concept behind this key though, I thought for the most part, you wrote it pretty well, however, you could've done more, gone more in depth, cover more topics, made it longer, and really make a dope key. But it was short, to the point, and you for the most part got your idea across. I like your wording, I think that's one of your strengths, honestly. Not a bad key, just felt like it needed more, it was just too short for me and I liked what you were doing, just wanted more in the end. Not bad with the vocab either, but more multies could help off-set how much delayed it is on the vocab. But not bad man, liking what I read, keep it up