God Of Fire: Vulcan

[Mr J. Murray]

Links: http://www.rap-royalty.com/forum/tex...-part-1-a.html
http://www.rap-royalty.com/forum/tex...-swag-onn.html

Topic - Fire Starter
Angle - God of Fire: Vulcan



A son of Gods; instead of proud, she was Grey an’ Affright
Cast off of Mount Olympus, I fell for a Day and a Night

Suffering a broken leg, and left to Face it Alone
And I wasn’t satisfied, until the Cremation of Rome

An underground grotto, I gained Redemption from Thetis
And mythological life, without one Mention of Jesus

Not great by association? how Foolish a Thesis
Sculptor of Pandora; Uncle to Romulus and Remus

Manufactured iron, arts and arms; was the Garner of Rods
Furnished thunderbolts for Jupiter, and made Armor for Gods

Such genius from the child that Juno Neglected to Keep
Rejected to Meet her until I had Perfected the Seat

Adorned with mother-of-pearl; crafted from Silver and Gold
Confined to her throne, the metal bands turned her Bitter and Cold

Juno sat and fumed til Jupiter chose to Shift the Plight
For her emancipation from Vulcan, he Promised a Wife

Goddess of Love, Venus unfaithful? Cause Ire and Brought Clash
To hot iron under Mount Etna, which emits Fire and Hot Ash

---------------------------------------------------------------------

If you don't understand anything, just go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vulcan_(mythology)

[Jim Glockz]

A son of Gods; instead of proud, she was Grey an’ Affright
Cast off of Mount Olympus, I fell for a Day and a Night

decent opener. caught my attention, but could have done better to set a tone. Vocab use is okay but i felt the overall choice of wording really could have gone deeper to really capture the imagery. still good though.

Suffering a broken leg, and left to Face it Alone
And I wasn’t satisfied, until the Cremation of Rome

Okay.um, the first line futhers the stories progression (although it could have again been better with imagery-vocab use-something deeper in concept then a broken leg from the fall). The second line is again okay too, but really is abrubt in statement, for this kind of poetic structure to rhyme in the line could do more. but overall i see that in facing your casting off the mountain that you wouldnt be satisfied with life until revenge was seeked on rome..that whole idea could have been better worded.

An underground grotto, I gained Redemption from Thetis
And mythological life, without one Mention of Jesus

Of course you would gain mythological life without jesus's mention...its too totally different beliefs. no coorelation between the two. at this pt the topic is slow to really go anywhere. but i'll read on.

Not great by association? how Foolish a Thesis
Sculptor of Pandora; Uncle to Romulus and Remus

okay. little background on who you are. not bad, but really i feel this whole topic could have been better written. The imagery is really lacking which is fine but your just statin things out of wikipedia...the purpose of the piece needs something to define it better and bring out your creativity in writing.

Manufactured iron, arts and arms; was the Garner of Rods
Furnished thunderbolts for Jupiter, and made Armor for Gods

this part i liked the best. came together nice.

Such genius from the child that Juno Neglected to Keep
Rejected to Meet her until I had Perfected the Seat

this seems like just rhyming. and really the line to line transitions are just lacking a certain connection, again the story just seems to be reading facts..instead of a story like progression with purpose.

Adorned with mother-of-pearl; crafted from Silver and Gold
Confined to her throne, the metal bands turned her Bitter and Cold

Juno sat and fumed til Jupiter chose to Shift the Plight
For her emancipation from Vulcan, he Promised a Wife

Goddess of Love, Venus unfaithful? Cause Ire and Brought Clash
To hot iron under Mount Etna, which emits Fire and Hot Ash

and im left to wonder why you wrote this piece. im left with nothing at the end..the story led nowhere..so this Juno dies? because she wont marry you (vulcan)..idk. either way the piece showed promise, but im kinda let down. The literary elements to the piece seemed bland as well. overall okay read. good to see ya on site. enjoy.

[Mr J. Murray]

Yeah, I know I could've done better.
But I'm just proud that I finished it.
Especially since I haven't written anything since December 2006.

Thank you for the feed. Appreciate it.

[Mr J. Murray]

Bump.
I'd like some more feedback.

[Ego]

I like your writin style it makes for a cool read. I did think you couldve done more w/ the story & all but I enjoyed it for what was there, nothin jumbled up & slopped together, but just needed a little some thing more for it like Glockz said. Not sure why its gettin slept on but its worth the read, Ill be lookin out for more of your stuff & see what else you can do, not bad.

[Mr J. Murray]

Thank you Ego.
I just honestly didn't know how to flush out the rest of the story.
I wanted to remain true to the story and not turn it into a fictional piece.

I won't try to disappoint you with my next drop.
=P

[WHITE POWdER]

People shouldn't really sleep on this, I too like your style.

A lot of description and setting up but the end was definitely a let down because it abruptly stops. I think you should continue working on this though, I was into it. It wasn't a complex rhyme scheme but the words you are using are different and that is good. I enjoyed what I read so far, but it's so short it leaves the reader feeling how Glockz is feeling, unfulfilled and wanting more and like you wasted time reading it. Which I can understand, but I don't feel like that. I see this as a work in progress, something you can build on and make it stronger with your content and subject and mold it into something special in the future, which is what I think you should do. I enjoyed this, what I read so far, sounded cool and it's definitely new subject. But I do want more than what is presented.

I'll be keeping an eye out for your other stuff as well

[Mr J. Murray]

Thanks Powder.
Yeah. I had real trouble trying to end it, and I still wasn't completely satisfied.
I'll be sure to shoot you a link whenever I post up a new piece.

[VerdikT]

your style is great . the flow was good and u kept with the story for ages. as a ammateur not much i can really criticise u on. maybe just add something to give it a wow factor

[Mr J. Murray]

Much appreciated VerdikT.
This is the first piece that I have been consistent with the syllables.

Every bar is 14 syllables the first line.
And 15 on the second one.