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Text Drops Keystyles, poems, written raps, songs, lyrics, rap battles, freestyles you've done looking for critique -- can be posted here for feedback.
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Old 01-12-2018, 12:09 PM   #1
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My literary laser focus ain't no verbal hocus pocus
language twisted, shifted, wicked how I show this
I'm a fun loving bastard with a penchant for death
wise like the Egyptian god Seth, sexy beast with hairy balls and chest
demons stalking nightly, dreams frightening
hold my breath and kiss the noose I'm tightening
if suicide was easy, this shit would not get written
I'm aging in reverse, cat to kitten, this is Benjamin Button spittin'
rap is old hat, I got something new waiting in the wings
but it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings, make you beg and grovel, kiss the rings
shiftless and lazy, sticky green shit makes my head all hazy
I do dumb shit, like hanging out with Kevin Spacey
two medications and a dog, every day a boring fog
posting memes about sucking down Andy Sixx's shit log
no motivation, hope, life is set on repeat
nobody in the world would wanna be me
still I struggle and fight, inspiration comes in the night
pure blackness behind my eye lids is such a pleasant sight
I wonder what I'd have to do, to make it all well
visions of hell, tantalizing sight and smell
I've fallen and I can't get up, but fuck an old cunt
please just pass the blunt, rappers are animals and I'm out for the hunt

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Old 01-12-2018, 12:12 PM   #2
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ATTENTION Holy Crap! Lions!,

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This is a reminder -- make sure it's at least 4-5 sentences of feedback. We like to give quality feedback here, not bullshit where nobody improves. It's about everyone, not just one person :). Your post will be removed if you have not done this. Hop on it if you have not already.


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Old 01-13-2018, 12:07 AM   #3
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Old 01-14-2018, 10:47 PM   #4
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I thought this was a decent read, Holy Crap! Lions!. I thought you did well with your syntax, and rhyming. Some of the lines were decent as-well. I believe the vulgarity, humor, and genatilia' rap is your style. I don't believe there is anything wrong with that, although you can improve in some aspects. You could add more multi-syllabic rhyming, and your wordplay could be a bit more refined. But this was decent. Nice job. Keep writing!
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Old 01-15-2018, 01:20 AM   #5
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I think for the most part this was a decent piece. Though you could have tied together your thoughts better to form a more cohesive narrative. The central theme did carry across but it didn't feel completely structured. There were some questionable lines that lacked the punch that I guess you intended, but I think you have lots of potential, just keep practicing. Good work.
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Old 01-17-2018, 06:40 PM   #6
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Your flow needs basic refinement from being provided with musical essence by masterful musicians. You should start listening to emcees like Canibus, Chino XL K-Rino and read writers like Edgar Allan Poe. You need to listen to the sounds and make what you will of them
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