Rap-Royalty.Com - The Best Hip Hop & Rap Forum

Go Back   Rap-Royalty.Com - The Best Hip Hop & Rap Forum > Battle Section > Text Drops

Text Drops Keystyles, poems, written raps, songs, lyrics, rap battles, freestyles you've done looking for critique -- can be posted here for feedback.
Two Feedback Links Required: Must give quality, detailed feedback to two people's work.

Like Tree4Likes
  • 1 Post By Ombre Du Muerte
  • 1 Post By Ombre Du Muerte
  • 1 Post By Little Vam
  • 1 Post By Rude
Reply

Share This Forum!  
 
 
           
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-10-2017, 04:23 PM   #1
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,772
Mentioned: 759 Post(s)
Groans: 57
Groaned at 96 Times in 80 Posts

Awards Showcase



Follow & Friend Me:
Default Personal Verses

I never knew those problems you had was 'you' seeking some help,
My impulses refract, every gulp in this mask keeps teaching me.

A constant need to repel those problems you had? I've always seen in myself.
I don't know, maybe I needed the help but I was just the freak who would yell,

I'm always freaking out.



There's a beast in this shell, something I've always hated to see in myself,
slow it down, let me rewind, it's only because I didn't believe it would help,

Now I see it myself. Every night I'd get home, I'd let it all sleep on the shelf,
sort of like a collage of problems, a reminder to things I keep to myself.

My silver lining's a neurotic mess, fighting this caustic stress as it all tends to echo,
Bong rips til I'd get strep throat, I'd smoke out the obvious til all I'd feel is I'm needing the help.

That's only a fading feeling that sleeps in myself.
Rude likes this.
__________________



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Thanks, Rude!

-Writtens-

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Last edited by Ombre Du Muerte; 10-10-2017 at 04:35 PM..
Ombre Du Muerte is online now   Reply With Quote

Old 10-10-2017, 04:24 PM   #2
Godfather
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 52,775
Mentioned: 46 Post(s)
Groans: 0
Groaned at 71 Times in 69 Posts


Follow & Friend Me:
Default

ATTENTION Ombre Du Muerte,

Two Feedback Links Required: Must give quality, detailed feedback to two people's work.

This is a reminder -- make sure it's at least 4-5 sentences of feedback. We like to give quality feedback here, not bullshit where nobody improves. It's about everyone, not just one person :). Your post will be removed if you have not done this. Hop on it if you have not already.


------------------------------------------

If you want to get the most out of your work, please do the following. Click the Facebook Like button to share with your friends. Click the Twitter button to follow. Google +1 to share with users across the world.


This is very simple and an awesome way to share and connect your work with more people! The more people that hear you, the bigger your audience. The bigger your audience, the more fans you will have. The more fans you have, the bigger your name can grow. Please members of Rap-Royalty.Com, share this with your friends and help each other grow!
Knee-Che-Chu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-10-2017, 04:37 PM   #3
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,772
Mentioned: 759 Post(s)
Groans: 57
Groaned at 96 Times in 80 Posts

Awards Showcase



Follow & Friend Me:
Default

edited:

http://www.rap-royalty.com/forum/tex...tml#post787285
http://www.rap-royalty.com/forum/tex...-not-need.html
__________________



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Thanks, Rude!

-Writtens-

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Last edited by Ombre Du Muerte; 10-10-2017 at 10:41 PM..
Ombre Du Muerte is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-10-2017, 05:00 PM   #4
Kill Them All
 
The Villain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: California
Posts: 1,098
Mentioned: 82 Post(s)
Groans: 20
Groaned at 13 Times in 12 Posts

Awards Showcase



Follow & Friend Me:
Default

This was a pretty cool poem. Something most people can relate to nowadays with anxiety and depression being such a major issue. I liked the images incorporated within the lines, literally. Anybody that tries to read this as a topical will be confused due to the repetitiveness but if they read it as I'm assumed it's suppose to be read, as a poem, then they'll see the originality and beauty in it. Overall, a dope little poem. I liked it.
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

TOPICAL BATTLE RECORD: 4-3
The Villain is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to The Villain For This Useful Post:
Ombre Du Muerte (10-10-2017)
Old 10-10-2017, 10:42 PM   #5
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,772
Mentioned: 759 Post(s)
Groans: 57
Groaned at 96 Times in 80 Posts

Awards Showcase



Follow & Friend Me:
Default

Thanks for that feed, @The Villain .... @Rude inspired it with the hyperlink suggestion so I used it as a means to express the metaphors with images relating to it. I got your piece tomorrow.
The Villain likes this.
__________________



To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Thanks, Rude!

-Writtens-

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Ombre Du Muerte is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Ombre Du Muerte For This Useful Post:
Rude (10-14-2017), The Villain (10-10-2017)
Old 10-11-2017, 09:28 PM   #6
The cloutless horseman
 
Little Vam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Iowa, USA
Posts: 371
Mentioned: 41 Post(s)
Groans: 0
Groaned at 5 Times in 5 Posts


Follow & Friend Me:
Default

Very dope piece felt sporadic but that's how our thoughts can be at times, nice use of imagery and lot of dope ideas came together in this.
It's a short drop and it's structure is a little off putting but since this is the mind of a anxious man I feel like that's on purpose. Dope little mind Cody keep em coming.
Ombre Du Muerte likes this.
__________________
Born in the 313
Little Vam is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Little Vam For This Useful Post:
Ombre Du Muerte (10-11-2017)
Old 10-12-2017, 12:05 PM   #7
Associate
 
Wench's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 369
Mentioned: 180 Post(s)
Groans: 0
Groaned at 1 Time in 1 Post


Follow & Friend Me:
Default

I never knew those problems you had was 'you' seeking some help,
My impulses refract, every gulp in this mask keeps teaching me.

A constant need to repel those problems you had? I've always seen in myself.
I don't know, maybe I needed the help but I was just the freak who would yell,

I'm always freaking out.

ok so just to get it outta the way i really liked the add on of the pics in the verse i think they help paint a new light for your concept. anywhooooo, i would've loved the opening line a whole lot more if you dropped the some from it. to ME i think it stands the test of the line WITHOUT the use. "you seeking help" - where like "some" diminishes it slightly. i'd also substitute those for the, sounds better to ME, again ME. beyond the little wording i liked this passage to begin and the illustrations are cool


There's a beast in this shell, something I've always hated to see in myself,
slow it down, let me rewind, it's only because I didn't believe it would help,

Now I see it myself. Every night I'd get home, I'd let it all sleep on the shelf,
sort of like a collage of problems, a reminder to things I keep to myself.


if there were like ever a time to use stealth i would've loved it at this part to not only help with the scheme but i also think it would've integrated seamlessly into the IDEA. chopping out "sort of like" into "a collage of problems in stealth -> a reminder to things i keep to myself. but i still really liked the idea, the first 3 lines were soooo good


My silver lining's a neurotic mess, fighting this caustic stress as it all tends to echo,
Bong rips til I'd get strep throat, I'd smoke out the obvious til all I'd feel is I'm needing the help.

That's only a fading feeling that sleeps in myself.


this was great how it is, really liked the closing line as you had done really well to that point and to bring it back around felt like the perfect way to end this. really good verse with just something i thought mightve helped it turn out even better but for how it is now it's really good! thanks for the read
Wench is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-13-2017, 04:10 PM   #8
The Godfather
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 19,727
Mentioned: 1950 Post(s)
Groans: 50
Groaned at 54 Times in 49 Posts

Awards Showcase



Follow & Friend Me:
Default

A quick written from you on a slightly different level. I can appreciate you trying something new and different, adds another level to your writing style to deploy when you feel you want to rather than sticking to the same formula. Good to get out of your comfort zone a slight bit. I think the content is something most will be able to relate to. It's not going into a lot of depth and I don't think the idea really needs to when you write it in a way that describes the feeling as you do here. I thought you did a fine job in conjuring up that aspect. Didn't quite care for the "bong rip" as the wording wasn't nearly as good or classy as the rest was, but I understand why you went there.

"My silver lining's a neurotic mess, fighting this caustic stress as it all tends to echo,"

Was perhaps my favorite line, outside of the last one. A pretty solid read, the visuals were a nice touch, I think. Good work.
__________________
"cant tell your top from the bottom like a capital I" -- Invader 5.

"Psychological inbreeding -- groups of people who conspire to believe in the same myths. They spew superstitions and conspiracy theories at each other until it all coagulates into a set of specific brand-name bullshit. Big Foot, orbs, the Illuminati, and the grey are examples of this."
Disputer is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-14-2017, 11:03 AM   #9
Lost Art
 
Rude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 829
Mentioned: 173 Post(s)
Groans: 2
Groaned at 5 Times in 5 Posts

Awards Showcase



Follow & Friend Me:
Default

Quote:
I never knew those problems you had was 'you' seeking some help,
My impulses refract, every gulp in this mask keeps teaching me.

A constant need to repel those problems you had? I've always seen in myself.
I don't know, maybe I needed the help but I was just the freak who would yell,

I'm always freaking out.

There's a beast in this shell, something I've always hated to see in myself,
slow it down, let me rewind, it's only because I didn't believe it would help,

Now I see it myself. Every night I'd get home, I'd let it all sleep on the shelf,
sort of like a collage of problems, a reminder to things I keep to myself.

My silver lining's a neurotic mess, fighting this caustic stress as it all tends to echo,
Bong rips til I'd get strep throat, I'd smoke out the obvious til all I'd feel is I'm needing the help.

That's only a fading feeling that sleeps in myself.
ok, so hyperlinking through the verse, was actually way better than what I had in mind tbh
+kudos for thinking of this it made each line exciting. I'm not going to lie, as I'm reading thru
and clicking the pictures along with the verse I'm thinking "ok these seem to be random?"
but then I got to the line with "My silver lining's a neurotic mess" and it pulled it all together for me. I like the analogy you created in the beginning by comparing someone else's issues
to underlying ones you never seen in yourself.

"there's a beast in this shell, somethng I've always hated to see in myself"
ah I like this line so much, it's definitely relatable.
"a collage of problems, a reminder to things I keep to myself"
man this one too, hits home.

and the last line that closes it is pretty dope. It took me a minute to see the connection between some of the pictures and the lines but once it clicked, it hit.
'
also side note the pic in the middle reminds me of a horrorcore rapper - lo key's mask
Ombre Du Muerte likes this.
__________________


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Rude is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:16 PM.


Powered by: vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.1
Shoutbox provided by vBShout v6.2.17 (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2017 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2017 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
2003-2017. All rights reserved.