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Old 10-02-2017, 09:10 PM   #1
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Default TEXT DROP OF THE MONTH: i hate you

my feedbackery
itsb - hell
dbars - believe goodbye








you can laugh in anguish and cry in joy
as life settles in the hands that time destroys
.
.
.
i tried to hold composure as a willow withering away
while our stream of consciousness began slithering astray
we'll reap what we sow - as we planted the seeds of discontent
our garden bloomed leaving us conceited, defeated and spent
we tried for a family, but only ever breed contempt
taking it out on each other when we need to vent
foiled by the greed entrenched, hostility would impede attempts
to patch the holes by pretending we have control
but too vain to let the past go, as the hourglass flows
emptying the last grains of sand, mimicking the pain we withstand
as the mundane expands, our dreams remain unmanned
. . . because . . .
while you're busy putting your love into an idle bliss
there's a growing gap between us as the miles drift
realize, your self denial exists as an excuse for a mild fix
.
.
.
*flash back*
.
.
.
whispering gently to your ear, "stop," i'd simply try
to convince you otherwise, you didn't need an instant high
that was until i caught a glimpse of your empty eyes
i went to caress your cheek, but i was met with resistance
and in that instance, i began to regret our existence
as your hand asphyxiates my arm, the sounds of alarms went
off in my mind, "he's too far gone," questioning our involvement
as my skin bares the mark of five fingers and a palm print
your reaction i couldn't fathom, it was something i never imagined
ironic, as you turn back to your love - it's like nothing ever happened
.
.
.
*fast forward*
.
.
.
hard to believe, but my attachment wouldn't let me leave
"i can't do this anymore," feeling a need to break free
followed by a sigh exerting the breath i breathed
another lie i tell myself as another pin prick enters a vein
and even though winter came i'm still numb to this bitter pain
it shouldn't be like this - alive but so lifeless, finding you on the sofa
lying in pills and somas, i try to wake you from your undying coma
this is your heaven - dining in ambrosia, cold to touch so i shook harder
i took in the horror until finally your eyes shot up with a look of ardor
seeing the vision i look away as you rose to a seated position
this repeated demolition left you in a receded condition
feeling helpless with defeated ambition, you lie again
"this is the last time!" i'm trying not to cry when
suddenly he grabbed my thigh and then placed a kiss
"you know you want," "no" - as i raised a fist
to fight. . . but . . . love embraced the abyss
.
.
.
NO!
.
.
.
i...i...i can't fight it...gifting my arm as you knelt to the ground
placing a belt around...tap...tap...struggling as you felt around
until finally, i melt in profound bliss - settling into ashamed ecstasy
pleasantly tranquil, "shhh," slowly it tamed the rest of me
turning to a corner, a mirror reflects the bigger threat
it was the person staring back that let the fear set
the tone for my own downfall, and automatically
i'll practically lie..."i'm fine...i'm fine..." but actually?
i don't know who i see reflecting back at me
.
.
.
*present day*
.
.
.
i washed away the stigma, got help, and i'm clean now
because i've seen how it altered our dreams and vows
but it took being an addict to see where the problems lie
everything that worries you and i, we dissolve them in a high
. . . see . . .
our problems were short sighted with a faded view
jaded emotions manifest to the point that hatred grew
but love fostered an invitation to decay for two
merely placated through a needle that raided tissue
but as my eyes pierced yours to the darkest shade of blue
it was only then i realized that you, not i...hated you...
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Old 10-02-2017, 09:18 PM   #2
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ATTENTION Wench,

Two Feedback Links Required: Must give quality, detailed feedback to two people's work.

This is a reminder -- make sure it's at least 4-5 sentences of feedback. We like to give quality feedback here, not bullshit where nobody improves. It's about everyone, not just one person :). Your post will be removed if you have not done this. Hop on it if you have not already.


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Old 10-02-2017, 09:27 PM   #3
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I love your story telling. I was almost married to someone, I left her after realizing she wasn't any good for me and held me back in my life, I can relate to this... Different situation, but most I most definitely can empathize with this. I love how you used timed events to tell a story, those moments individually tell a story in a way where I felt immersed, like a movie. I don't normally post in text drops, I lurk, I see a lot of good writing, but I just wanted to say this one hits home.
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Old 10-03-2017, 01:03 AM   #4
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this is really good
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Self Activate Enoch Nigma Alice Rude Sammy Genocide The iLL 1
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Old 10-03-2017, 02:55 AM   #5
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This story hits like hell and is a amazing way to begin October, storytelling is some of the best on site by far and is very easy to understand and relate too throughout the drop. I have no criticisms keep it up dude.
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Old 10-04-2017, 09:59 AM   #6
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I love the storytelling in this, lol @ *flashback* haha. Great touch to the text tho! A tight rhyming scheme, and it flowed nice, very nice. The vocabulary used was also way above average. good work man.
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Old 10-04-2017, 11:43 AM   #7
 
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https://vocaroo.com/i/s1tkTrk8Ca0L

Hope you liked the feed, I'm sorry you went through this @Wench. Be proud of this drop. Excels expectations, and sets the bar for those after us.
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I love kindle, you get swindled, by the Charlatan
Who brings romance like a Harlequin
Authorities hunting me down for years
From every city I leave a trail of tears
If you scared? You should be afraid my dears
Stay away from the magician who never reappears, cause yo

[Chorus]
Oh, oh no oh they got me on the run
Away from the sun, the sun the sun


Last edited by Timmy Giblets; 10-04-2017 at 11:48 AM..
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Old 10-08-2017, 12:23 PM   #8
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This was a pretty solid read. A very deep and emotional story to say the least. I think you did fairly well in describing events. From the first verse, I wasn't entirely sure what this would be about... I was thinking of how a relationship goes from good to bad... and while that was an initial concept poked on, you went deeper with the depth to build that. The rhymes were good for the most part, some parts got away from you here and there. The sublet wordplay here and there also gave it a nice boost in the quality of the writing. I think the ending was really strong and related well to the mirror verse previously mentioned. The "you hate you" idea was nice... I know a girl like this so I could relate after recent events. Good read.
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Old 10-14-2017, 10:31 AM   #9
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I actually read this a couple of times the day you posted it but I have been putting off replying because 1. not gonna lie - I'm lazy and 2. I try to make sure I break it down, it takes alot of time/effort to write pieces like this and I try to return the favor with the feed.





Quote:
you can laugh in anguish and cry in joy
as life settles in the hands that time destroys
right off the bad, truer words have never been spoken.

Quote:
i tried to hold composure as a willow withering away
while our stream of consciousness began slithering astray
we'll reap what we sow - as we planted the seeds of discontent
our garden bloomed leaving us conceited, defeated and spent
we tried for a family, but only ever breed contempt
taking it out on each other when we need to vent
foiled by the greed entrenched, hostility would impede attempts
to patch the holes by pretending we have control
but too vain to let the past go, as the hourglass flows
emptying the last grains of sand, mimicking the pain we withstand
as the mundane expands, our dreams remain unmanned
like the alliteration in the first line, plus it sparked a powerful image, as with the 2nd line. I love the connection you made between 'reap what we sow/planted seeds of discontent' - great stuff. "tried for a family/breed contempt" - again powerful wording, it gives you an image and story without having to use any time of dialogue in the narrative. "to patch the holes/pretending we have control" and the lines that followed - oh man, that hit home for me.

Quote:
. . . because . . .
while you're busy putting your love into an idle bliss
there's a growing gap between us as the miles drift
realize, your self denial exists as an excuse for a mild fix
wow, this is relatable for an entirely different reason for me. Powerful imagery right here.


Quote:
whispering gently to your ear, "stop," i'd simply try
to convince you otherwise, you didn't need an instant high
that was until i caught a glimpse of your empty eyes
i went to caress your cheek, but i was met with resistance
and in that instance, i began to regret our existence
as your hand asphyxiates my arm, the sounds of alarms went
off in my mind, "he's too far gone," questioning our involvement
as my skin bares the mark of five fingers and a palm print
your reaction i couldn't fathom, it was something i never imagined
ironic, as you turn back to your love - it's like nothing ever happened
I'm not even gonna pretend that this whole section didn't leave me feeling like :



This whole section reminds me of the uselessness you feel when someone is so far gone, that you can only hope that THEY want to get better and change. Because nothing you do or say matters at that point.

Quote:
hard to believe, but my attachment wouldn't let me leave
"i can't do this anymore," feeling a need to break free
followed by a sigh exerting the breath i breathed
another lie i tell myself as another pin prick enters a vein
and even though winter came i'm still numb to this bitter pain
first line is the defining reason people stay in a toxic relationship, definitely hits home - my situation was different but the lies you tell yourself that convince you to stay are a common practice.

Quote:
it shouldn't be like this - alive but so lifeless, finding you on the sofa
lying in pills and somas, i try to wake you from your undying coma
this is your heaven - dining in ambrosia, cold to touch so i shook harder
i took in the horror until finally your eyes shot up with a look of ardor
another powerful section of image provoking story here.


Quote:
seeing the vision i look away as you rose to a seated position
this repeated demolition left you in a receded condition
feeling helpless with defeated ambition, you lie again
"this is the last time!" i'm trying not to cry when
suddenly he grabbed my thigh and then placed a kiss
"you know you want," "no" - as i raised a fist
to fight. . . but . . . love embraced the abyss




Quote:
i...i...i can't fight it...gifting my arm as you knelt to the ground
placing a belt around...tap...tap...struggling as you felt around
until finally, i melt in profound bliss - settling into ashamed ecstasy
pleasantly tranquil, "shhh," slowly it tamed the rest of me

turning to a corner, a mirror reflects the bigger threat
it was the person staring back that let the fear set
the tone for my own downfall, and automatically
i'll practically lie..."i'm fine...i'm fine..." but actually?
i don't know who i see reflecting back at me
oh damn plot twist? I didn't pick on that before now.
I haven't been down this road myself, but I've seen it first hand.


Quote:
i washed away the stigma, got help, and i'm clean now
because i've seen how it altered our dreams and vows
but it took being an addict to see where the problems lie

everything that worries you and i, we dissolve them in a high
. . . see . . .
our problems were short sighted with a faded view
jaded emotions manifest to the point that hatred grew
but love fostered an invitation to decay for two
merely placated through a needle that raided tissue
but as my eyes pierced yours to the darkest shade of blue
it was only then i realized that you, not i...hated you...
wow again powerful wording/imagery/storytelling here regardless if it's a true story or not (it feels too real not to be) that last line really drove the story home for me. I have a sister that's a binge addict, she can go months without and be the best person you ever met, but then she hits a cycle of binge and she's just so far gone, all you can do is wait it out and hope she doesn't OD or get herself killed during this binge. It's definitely not the same as a significant other dragging you down with them but yeah it's definitely a heartbreaking tale. I'm not surprised this has several noms for totm, - it deserves it.
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Old 12-01-2017, 09:59 PM   #10
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This is your text drop of the month for October.

Congratulations @Wench.
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XCII - VI - LXIX


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[Today 09:02 PM] Disputer: If this is Faget by Korn, Ruvik, I will be angry.

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: Hajime is currently sitting on his Cheez Whiz stained beanbag chair yelling at his mother for turkey and taters while smoking his menthol cigarettes. He is busy.

Little Vam: I have so much ice, they gonna call me ASAP ANTARTICA
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