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Text Drops Keystyles, poems, written raps, songs, lyrics, rap battles, freestyles you've done looking for critique -- can be posted here for feedback.
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Old 05-18-2017, 01:59 PM   #1
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Default Street Talk (Sorry, another quick one)

Y'all don't want beef with me
Like a date with a vegetarian
I'll insert y'all in a box like a DVD
I got dawgs that never seen a veterinarian
Pew! Pew! Pew!
Kelsey Grammer, make a verb out of a gun threat
"Shot heard round the world" out of my musket
See y'all fucks go down earth slowly like sunsets
The shelter y'all took was turned into a bloodshed
Glock on my waist was convenient like a fanny pack
I used my last bullet on y'all and called it a handicap
Y'all were put in a bodybag like y'all got candy wrapped
All y'all saw was my nine like the last life to an alley cat
This shit ain't made up, like y'all getting your ex back
I really do raise guns, a trail of shells like eggs hatched
I let the AK drum, I was in percussion but I left band
I'll leave your steak done, if y'all want beef. Get that?

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Old 05-18-2017, 02:00 PM   #2
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ATTENTION riddles123,

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This is a reminder -- make sure it's at least 4-5 sentences of feedback. We like to give quality feedback here, not bullshit where nobody improves. It's about everyone, not just one person :). Your post will be removed if you have not done this. Hop on it if you have not already.


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Old 05-18-2017, 02:00 PM   #3
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Old 05-18-2017, 04:16 PM   #4
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@riddles123

Enjoyed this man. I can see you display a good grasp of wordplay.

The flow is on point throughout and set ups and punches
are cleanly executed.

I like the way you switched it up with the "pew pew pew"
for the entertainment factor.

You seem to stay on the topic consistently.
The quick format with the short bars makes it an easy read.
You have enough complexity to get that "I see what you did there"
response instead of a "What did he do there?" response when
someone goes too complex, so well done (no steak pun) on striking
just the right balance.

My favorite part of this Street Talk besides the flow is your use of imagery:

The "sunsets go down earth (Earth) slowly,
hatched eggshells trail, last bullet handicap,
glock on my waist convenient fannypack,
and nine last thing seen last life alley cat."

^ I find all those particularly entertaining.

The "I got dawgs who never seen a veterinarian" is sick, dawg.

Critique with Suggestion for Improvement

I did a suggestion for improvement section for Xenon so I'll keep it going
with one here for you too.

*Before I offer the suggestion for improvement though, it's important to me that I qualify it and tell you just like I told Xe, that what you have here is already good and it works. I'll only offer the suggestion as something you can consider playing around with as an idea on the next one to see how you like what you come up with if you accept "the challenge" of trying it.

(Personally, I'd much rather just tell you it was hot and that I enjoy it [because I do] and leave it at that. That's great for the ego but doesn't really provide anything constructive as feedback you can apply to make it even more dope than it already is. So I hope that you accept it like a friend who's just brainstorming some ideas with you -- instead of someone who thinks they're a better writer and has their red grading pen out because that's just not the case at all. I already told you above what I think as a reader and fan, so the next part will be more like it's a coworker in the war room with you behind the scenes if that makes sense.)

This criticism is really close to almost nitpicking just for the sake of tryna find a way to improve, because like I said, I like your work just fine as it is. But just to play the devil's advocate, I'll try to imagine what a hater would say is a fault so that you get that type of perspective. Then it's on you what you want to do with it, but at least you'll have it. You can choose to apply it to eliminate any possible ammo a hater could use as criticism or if you don't care, at least you have something you can weigh as an option to consider when writing from this point forward. Feel me? Okay, enough patty cake with the kid's gloves. Let's get to the brutal actual crit.

Crit

I think the opening three lines are kinda corny because the "beef and vegetarian" concept and the "put you in a box like a DVD" are pretty played out as concepts. That's not a knock on you at all or your writing as a whole, but just a general consensus on the first three lines specifically.

^ Is this a fair criticism? Personally, I can fuck with it just because I can appreciate the wordplay, but I think if it was used in an actual song or as bars in a text diss battle, lines like those could cost you votes in the creativity category. I'm not saying I necessarily always agree with that kind of perception, but just know it's a popular opinion I've seen a lot in the form of opinions from battle judges, battlers and voters. I know this is a quick one, so there's not too much to criticize or feed, but if I was forced to really nitpick and find a so-called "flaw," those are the lines I'd cut and replace with something less played because you obviously have the creativity from what you already displayed to leverage for you there with the opening. It's not a case of a writer isn't on that level so all they can write is corny bars -- it's the opposite. Your skill is above that level so it's expected you'll avoid commonly known played concepts and punches with your bars. It just comes with the territory. You're held to a higher standard now.

The reason I hone in on those first three lines in particular is because those are the very first moments your audience will experience. You want to stand out and shine there. That's where you have the chance to knock their socks off and get them hooked into reading/listening to more.

If you blow them away with something fresh, creative and unique, then it will set the tone for the entire rest of the piece and make those other bars where you are creative hit with more impact than they already do.

I hope you see where I'm coming from with this criticism and just from what I've already read from you, I know you probably agree with this suggestion now that it's pointed out to you. It takes a trained eye to even notice areas to tweak like this because your bars are solid as a whole so it's easy for most to miss ways to improve upon it. I'm betting you can and will genuinely see it as the opportunity it is for you to elevate from what I think is already dope writing to that next level you achieved the moment you made the decision to apply it. That small change will create big results that's going to be even better for you like the elevation you get going from expert to master.

(I wish I could see my own stuff like this as easily as I can see these tactics and strategies to apply in the work of others. I think when it's someone else's I want to put an extra effort into bringing something useful to the table whereas with my own stuff I just call it done when I feel like I said what I wanted to say. I hope this makes sense.)

On the real, I truly enjoyed this man and without that tiny bit of nitpicking I did just to find something to suggest for constructive improvement, I don't have a problem with any of it. A lot of people fall back on some played concepts if they're feeling lazy just to get something going with the pen after a break or they just don't know the particular concepts have already been played to death by everybody and are worn out. Even a few famous recording artists are guilty of this and get away with it on a verse or two sometimes, but it's the exception and not the usual. I hope you receive the feed in the spirit intended because I am a fan of the work I've seen you do in this style, so don't get it twisted. (You have to have kind of a thick skin to write with this kind of style anyway. That's why if I thought you were too sensitive to receive constructive feedback, I would have just kept it to myself, so I do hope you appreciate it as feed you can apply to elevate.)

You did a good job with the syllable counts for the rhythm, flow and pace because there were no speed bumps or hiccups from start to finish like I notice in a lot of stuff people write. It's a smooth, cleanly executed flow and rhyme scheme with clever wordplay helped by bars with effective set ups that are paid off with punchlines in just about every bar if not all of them. I could easily see you being successful in a live battle just from the chops you give a hint that you own with your work here. Keep this up man.

Riddles123, I'd like to challenge you to keep the flow and rhyme scheme as clean as you have here and keep the energy and pace of the bars as entertaining and live as you have here in a longer format so that instead of the tease of a quick bump, we can get the whole flavor in all its glory like a complete song. Say expand it out to two or three verses of 16 bars each with a couple of 8 bar hooks and a quick little intro and outro for it on any one topic you feel like going bananas on.

That would not only make it easier to provide more feedback you can use, but I'd look forward to reading it because I know it's gonna be dope if you decide you actually want to do it!

Good stuff man. Some dope bars in this one even if it's quick.

My favorite standout bars from you on this one are these lines right here:

Quote:
This shit ain't made up, like y'all getting your ex back
I really raise guns, a trail of shells like eggs hatched
^ That goes hard with the flow, rhyme sounds, rhyme scheme with the
matching terminal multi-rhymes ex back/eggs hatched and vivid imagery.
To me, it was the hardest bars of the whole thing because it sounds personal
and authentic instead of just something fabricated to try to sound hard.
It's almost perfect.

In fact, if you'll notice where I quoted you on it, I just removed the word "do" in the second line for you and it flows perfectly from one line to the next, all the way down to matching the syllable count.

"This shit ain't made up" (5 syllables), "like y'all getting your ex back" (7 syllables)
"I really raise guns" (5 syllables), "a trail of shells like eggs hatched" (7 syllables)

With this being a "quick one" it's still enough that it shows me you have a natural talent for writing bars. When you use wordplay, set ups and punchlines like that without sacrificing the consistent smooth flow at the same time, your pen game is decent.

Get it Riddles123!

I want to see a full couple of sixteens with hooks on the next one you write if you're down to rise to the challenge and deliver like that!
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Last edited by DBars; 05-19-2017 at 12:39 AM..
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Old 05-19-2017, 03:14 AM   #5
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Funny drop to read! I chuckled when reading some of the lines cause some of them were fire and funny. Good use of metaphors i like it.
I would change the pew pew pew part in Pow Pow Pow. Rapping that is much stronger than PIEW. But that's the audio side of the text.
The beginning lines were a bit corny, but when delivered right they can make an impact... But they read corny nonetheless.
The "Get that?" part is also a bit corny, just leave it out there and it will deliver a stronger message.

Good drop imo, keep writing brother.
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Old 05-19-2017, 05:42 AM   #6
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First couple bars (4 lines) are just really generic punchlines tht have been used to death. Didn't really like the intro. Maybe the whole cliche punchline thing was on purpose, though.

This is where it starts to get good:

"See y'all fucks go down earth slowly like sunsets" - really clever. Made me go "ooooh" in my head.

Honestly, most of the lines after this one are clever, funny, and really good overall punches. Highlight that "handicap" bar though. That shit was fire. Really wish you'd write something up instead of keystyling. Either that or go to audio. But I enjoyed it.
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Old 05-20-2017, 03:36 AM   #7
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This wasn't bad. I liked the wordplay and flow. It went very well together. I mean, other than is that really how your life is? I get it. It is fun to get into a different kinda character and act like something or someone else. If that is your life, that's straight too. I actually respect the bars and you more because then it's true.

Keep it up man.

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