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Text Drops Keystyles, poems, written raps, songs, lyrics, rap battles, freestyles you've done looking for critique -- can be posted here for feedback.
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:18 PM   #1
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Default A Verse (Honest Feedback)

Okay, I'm still learning the rap game, I am only fifteen, btw, but I think I have potential. Whaddya guys think?

~~~~~

Lacerations across your chest, as my nails dig deeper into the Skin
Lickin those red blood cells, is my little Sin
It's such a tragedy, that your daughters skin is so Raggedy
So my crew grabs you, puts you on a fire, and feeds me flamed carcass to the Majesty
Cutting off your nut sack then shoving it down your throat
Closing your mouth and pinching your neck, bitch you better not choke
Imma grab your son, he a Lamb in the heat of a slaughter
Imma lay the bitch out and then stab him through the bones with a box cutter
This is new Hannibal my incisors full of dead identity
When I channel my inner peace I become a new entity
Your wife screams as I use a hole puncher to rid her of her teeth
Skin her alive then where the remains as a coat as a sign that I did the deed

~~~~

Honest Feedback is welcome, just saying horrocore isn't my "comfortable zone" but I hope I did it Justice.
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:20 PM   #2
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This is just a reminder, TheMaleMinaj. Ignore this message if you've already done it.

Two Feedback Links Required: Must give quality, detailed feedback to two people's work.

Your links will be removed if you have not done this. Hop on it if you have not already.
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:39 PM   #3
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very violent......lol

i mean, i dont quite know how to feed this, as far as flow, it was decent....connecting a few more syllables would prob help that in the future, as far as content, maybe for a horrorcore verse this would be ok. Ohhhhh it is a horrorcore verse...got cha.

well then that makes it more acceptable with were you went with this.

and your Grammer through me a little at times.

i would like to see something none horrorcore to get better understanding of how you write.
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Old 03-07-2013, 06:22 PM   #4
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you need 2 detailed feedback links to post ur drops here,,,just copy and paste 2 critiques of any text drops,,detailed,,no one liners,,,if not i will close this soon
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Old 03-07-2013, 07:19 PM   #5
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Feedback, Minaj
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Old 03-07-2013, 08:10 PM   #6
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How many did you do because if you scroll down I gave two of them, one titled he Monster Eat Itself, or something Like that...did anybody read that one, or should I post them here?

Critiques:

Monster Eat Itself
OMG, I loved it, and I mean, I really loved it.

The first verse really got me into feeling with what you are, and I can tell there was real experiences mixed into the rap, not just metaphoric slurs. I liked the first part of the second verse as well, and I could really feel what you were going through. Make the Monster Eat Itself, I would have listened to that over and over again if you had it on audio, no Lie (2 chainz, truu, Lmao)

The only thing that lacked is that 8 liner at the end, I didn't care for it much, but besides that I give it a 9/10, you did really well and you should be proud.


Keystyle
I liked it, it sounded like what I call a "bragging verse". It's not a bad thing, it's just showing off ya style, and I respected that. You were able to throw together a few metaphors and a few lines made me chuckle...

The only thing I disliked was that you were kind of hop-skipping aroud, besides that, keep going. (this is coming from an inexperienced rapper, so yeah.)
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Last edited by Malice; 03-07-2013 at 08:17 PM.
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Old 03-07-2013, 08:36 PM   #7
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you have to post the links to the pieces which you left feedback on...go into text drops and right click the link of the piece which you fed and copy the link location and post it right in your OP so the mods know you left quality feed.

Quote:
Lacerations across your chest, as my nails dig deeper into the Skin
Lickin those red blood cells, is my little Sin
It's such a tragedy, that your daughters skin is so Raggedy
So my crew grabs you, puts you on a fire, and feeds me flamed carcass to the Majesty
ok, the bars are uneven, especially the last bar, waaaay too many syllables. you need to make your bars more compact so the flow is more punchy...really just need to shorten that last line by like 6 syllables.

Quote:
Cutting off your nut sack then shoving it down your throat
Closing your mouth and pinching your neck, bitch you better not choke
Imma grab your son, he a Lamb in the heat of a slaughter
Imma lay the bitch out and then stab him through the bones with a box cutter
ok same problem here with the long bars, you have too many syllables so it's throwing off the flow...shorten those longer lines up...

Quote:
This is new Hannibal my incisors full of dead identity
When I channel my inner peace I become a new entity
nice work here, these lines are even...nice content too, I liked these lines.

Quote:
Your wife screams as I use a hole puncher to rid her of her teeth
Skin her alive then where the remains as a coat as a sign that I did the deed
and you went off again here, too long.

overall not too bad for 15, you simply need to work on your structure and bar length...shorten your bars up to around 13 - 17 syllables per line and stick to the same line length throughout the entire piece...work on choosing your words carefully to match your ideas throughout the line and really develop your concepts and convey them clearly....keep elevating you definitely have some potential.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:29 PM   #8
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copy and paste them here,,if u cant i will find them and do it when i get home sir
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:33 PM   #9
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:33 PM   #10
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