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Old 10-05-2017, 04:41 PM   #1
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Default SS Loser's Round Group 1: Baron X vs Baron Mynd vs Treacherous -- OPEN FOR VOTES --

--- LOSER'S ROUND ---
GROUP ONE

@Baron X
VS
Treacherous
VS
@Baron Mynd

Topic: (As provided by Ness) Broken Paths

2 BARS (4 LINES) DUE BY 11:00 PM (CENTRAL) OCTOBER 6th

Loser's Round Rules

The Loser's Round is made up of two different groups of writers that lost in the main Tournament. This is your second chance. This is a three way free for all, only one victor will advance to the Loser's Championship Match. Same rules as regular Tourney, 2 bars (4 lines) first to 5 votes with regular KO/TKO rules (if one writer gets 4 votes while the others have 1 it is a TKO). Good luck.

VOTING

You can use this category chart:

Creativity--
Flow/Scheme--
Use of Topic--

Vote--

Or

Breakdown each 'verse' line by line

Last edited by Treacherous; 10-06-2017 at 11:24 PM..
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Old 10-06-2017, 02:48 AM   #2
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Old 10-06-2017, 09:27 AM   #3
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Crippled; concaved lay the wastes of what was once simply solid pavement
The paths lay crooked and cracked, an ode to an old squalid enslavement
Sandals savagely stomping on stones; a tiring, tortuous engagement
The continuous cracks that break a poor father's back are Revenge's payment
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Old 10-06-2017, 10:01 AM   #4
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I arrived at the pearly gates with a choice to make
either a righteous and worthy faith or to sit and toil away.
A finger points my way before its changed to an open hand
and I hoist a raised finger back at him; taking the broken path.
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Old 10-06-2017, 10:55 PM   #5
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A spider's web is woven tight, of sharp chartruse and tones of white
alone at night, it holds with might and bridges a span more than moles and mites
bold and bright, behold the sight, the very web is woven from the golden light
but for the fly, o' how cold the plight, a path upon death for a soul so slight...
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Old 10-07-2017, 07:49 PM   #6
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Damn. Solid battle from all 3 contestants. Props @Ness on the really interesting topic, I think you really made them bring it out in the verses.

@matheny
Crippled; concaved lay the wastes of what was once simply solid pavement
The paths lay crooked and cracked, an ode to an old squalid enslavement
Sandals savagely stomping on stones; a tiring, tortuous engagement
The continuous cracks that break a poor father's back are Revenge's payment

your alliteration game is on point. I would raise a small question to the use of lay in both of the first two lines, and the use of cracked in line 2 and cracks in line 4, but other than that, super solid rhymes.

@Baron Mynd
I arrived at the pearly gates with a choice to make
either a righteous and worthy faith or to sit and toil away.
A finger points my way before its changed to an open hand
and I hoist a raised finger back at him; taking the broken path.

I thought pearly gates / worthy faith worked very well. I am still getting used to your schemes and have a bit of trouble with them, but reading this verse aloud, I can see how it works. "choice to make / toil away" and "open hand / broken path" actually don't sound to bad if I'm actually spitting. All in all I thought the flow was really nice, but you could have worked a little bit more on your rhymes and literary devices.

@Baron X
A spider's web is woven tight, of sharp chartruse and tones of white
alone at night, it holds with might and bridges a span more than moles and mites
bold and bright, behold the sight, the very web is woven from the golden light
but for the fly, o' how cold the plight, a path upon death for a soul so slight...

Lots of inner rhymes here. I really like the scheme, and you made if flow well. And this time, it adheres very well to the topic and had really good substance. I would say that they are easy words to rhyme, but the fact that you string the three syllables together over and over definitely makes it laudable. I don't love that you reused woven on the third line, but I can live with it, seeing as the spider is at the crux of your story, it may be hard to avoid.


Vote-- Baron X
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Old 10-08-2017, 12:08 PM   #7
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(Matheny/Treacherous)
Very solid rhymes and writing from you, with top tier alliteration aside from the fact you sorta repeated "crack" and "cracked" its a very enjoyable and flowing verse, as the way to related the broken path to a literal path and slavery at the same time was very clever nice work right here dude.

(Baron Mynd)

At first this piece underwealmed me then I reread it a few times and started to really fuck with it, path to hell and all that and I'm a sucker for religious references in writing aside from maybe using more rhymes in general since they felt far and few between I liked this drop, good shit dude.

(Baron X)

You stay flexing on niggas don't you? Vocabulary and flow is incredible in this and was very solid with the rhymes, as well it stayed closely on topic you repeated "woven" but eh I'm not really bothered by repeating words just expected you to pull a synonym out of the dictionary like usual. As always amazing drop and you had me impressed once again.

Vote: Treacherous, this one is close as hell and can go in any direction but I simply liked the way he used the topic and how it flowed.

Nice work to all of you and good luck in your writing.
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Old 10-08-2017, 04:20 PM   #8
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Treacherous View Post
Crippled; concaved lay the wastes of what was once simply solid pavement
The paths lay crooked and cracked, an ode to an old squalid enslavement
Sandals savagely stomping on stones; a tiring, tortuous engagement
The continuous cracks that break a poor father's back are Revenge's payment
I liked the use of vocab and rhyme in this, it really took a creative twist. "Revenge's" wasn't used properly. Grammatically, I thought it to be incorrect due to the other words you could have used.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron Mynd View Post
I arrived at the pearly gates with a choice to make
either a righteous and worthy faith or to sit and toil away.
A finger points my way before its changed to an open hand
and I hoist a raised finger back at him; taking the broken path.
dope flow, dope poetic vibe to it and a real simple and buttery read, especially liked the ending line. True english man, aren't ya? Lmao .... Solid shit. I really have to point out your use flow, it was top notch to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron X View Post
A spider's web is woven tight, of sharp chartruse and tones of white
alone at night, it holds with might and bridges a span more than moles and mites
bold and bright, behold the sight, the very web is woven from the golden light
but for the fly, o' how cold the plight, a path upon death for a soul so slight...
Baron took our advice and slashed out that abstract poetic third eye on DMT writing and presented us with a solid little stanza, DOPE imagery, you really outdid the others with the poetic approach to this, really great descriptive and creative use of your talents here, man... Solid.



Mvgt/ Baron X


Out of the three, each writer had something going for them more so than the next/previous...and where y'all shined, Baron's verse shined brighter where the others lacked and even came close to taking those cat's from them as well. This was a good battle, @Baron Mynd I really wish you'd drop some real metaphoric shit because I bet that'd be a defining factor to some of your battles as of late, I understand tho, if you haven't done topicals in so long the rust builds up. I actually am just happy to see your work. @Treacherous your verse was dope, it really lacked in a few areas though, and if I had to say anything, I'd say the only thing taking away from you is your focus on writing too much of a metaphor out, like, you should be able to refine that writing.


good battle
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Old 10-08-2017, 06:24 PM   #9
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Treacherous
Quote:
Crippled; concaved lay the wastes of what was once simply solid pavement
I'm not sure what that means or if it even makes sense. Not only is the imagery nearly impossible to formulate into a clear visual, but the way in which the line is worded seems to lack syntactical integrity.

Quote:
The paths lay crooked and cracked, an ode to an old squalid enslavement
I like this line a lot more. The vocabulary reads very appropriate and in tune with the topic at hand. In particular: "path", "crooked, "cracked" and "squalid" all helped to build the narrative and to create a very tattered and torn image of a ... well ... "broken path" in my head.

However, the word "enslavement" seems to be used out of context and just thrown in with the explicit purpose of holding the rhyme scheme in place. I'm sure in a very abstract way there is some deeper meaning for its inclusion, but in this moment, as it stands now, I can't make much sense of it.

Quote:
Sandals savagely stomping on stones; a tiring, tortuous engagement
The continuous cracks that break a poor father's back are Revenge's payment
Well, damn. Now see, this was spot on and in perfect alignment with the topic. The imagery was interesting. In fact, the word "sandals" conjured up visuals of Ancient Greece or Rome and "break a poor father's back" reminded me of childhood. While at the same time I think you did a great job staying true to the continuity of the scheme and being precise with your word usage. Strong ending, Math.

Baron Mynd:
Quote:
I arrived at the pearly gates with a choice to make
Okay, BM, I'm liking where this is headed. Straight out the gate you've immediately grabbed my attention.

Quote:
either a righteous and worthy faith or to sit and toil away.
Choices, choices, which one will you make? I'm digging how you're keeping the the scheme consistent and I'm also liking the overall supernatural experience you're taking us on.

Quote:
A finger points my way before its changed to an open hand
The imagery is really cool. Very easily imagined and your wording is tight and concise which makes for a clean read.

Quote:
and I hoist a raised finger back at him; taking the broken path.
There's something missing. Like a sharp syllable or vowel sound. It's something. I think maybe you need a match for that strong 'or' sound to round out the flow. Without it the ending reads disrupted and incomplete.

Actually, after re:reading it. I think I know how you intended for it to sound and I'm no longer convinced that it's the 'or' sound that is fumbling with the smoothness of the flow. Instead, I think it has to do with our difference in accidents. In particular as it applies to the pronunciation of the words "hand" and "path". In my opinion neither rhymes with the other. However, I can see an English speaker from the U.K. (such as yourself) easily manipulating the phonics so that they do.

Baron X
Quote:
A spider's web is woven tight, of sharp chartreuse use and tones of white
At first I was going to give you a hard time about using the word "chartreuse" to describe the color of a spiderweb, because webs are typically seen as being white and not yellow or greenish as said word would suggest. However, after meditating on it for a bit, I thought to myself, "he's probably speaking to the slightly goldish color a web might emit when light is reflected off of it". If that is in fact the case than bravo, I applaud your poetic brilliance. Also, I suppose depending on how you see color some webs might appear to have a slightly yellowish appearance.


Quote:
alone at night, it holds with might and bridges a span more than moles and mites
Okay, I do like the rhymes and the use of "bridges" and "span" really adds to the visual of what a spiderweb is and does. However, what does "moles and mites" have to do with bridging anything? Furthermore, what kind of "mole" are you referring to? Is it one like a pier you'd find by the water? I'm assuming yes, because the other options that suit the word don't fit the current context of thought. But even if it is the former (which kind of makes sense) what's that have to do with mites? The two are completely unrelated unless you meant 'mold' and not "mites", But even in that case I fail to see how any of that is relevant to a spider's web or the bridge metaphor you created.

Quote:
bold and bright, behold the sight, the very web is woven from the golden light
The flow, the poetry, the rhythm, the entire line is pure gold (no pun intended).

Quote:
but for the fly, o' how cold the plight, a path upon death for a soul so slight...
Love it! I have no qualms.

Creativity: Baron X. I mean his idea was completely out the box. He won this category hands down.

Flow/scheme: All three competitors had a firm grasp on this cat. I really like BM's flow until I got to the last word. Baron X's scheme was butter but I felt his flow was a little long winded. Now Math's flow was crisp from start to finish and I loved the rhythmic feel of it as I read it aloud. So with that said Treacherous takes this cat.

Use of Topic: I think Baron X took some creative liberties with his verse. His story was excellent, but I'm not sure it really serves as a testament to what a "broken path" really is. But then again, what is it really anyway? I guess it's all open to poetic interpretation. I can't define it myself. In any case, the other two seemed to be spot on with their offerings. So subjectively speaking I'd say this cat was a 2 way tie between Math and BM.

With that said I think Tre takes the win in cats. However, I'm not using that as a justification for him winning. Instead I'm choose him because I felt all three pieces were good, but ultimately all contained flaws that kept each on an even keel. Because of that it just comes down to which piece I enjoyed more and in this instance (after re-reading them all multiple times) I'd say it was Treacherous' verse due to the fact I enjoyed his last two lines more than I did anything else in this entire battle. Although, BX's last line was also a killer. But ...

MVGT: Treacherous.

Last edited by (SELF ACTIVATE); 10-08-2017 at 09:51 PM..
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Old 10-11-2017, 08:41 PM   #10
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Matheny, this was pretty solid. Wasn't really a fan of the first line as what you were trying to say didn't really come out however you wanted it to. Second line is smoother. Gets the visual out more clearly. A few wording issues in there that gave a hiccup but other than that, much better than the first lines for sure. Second bar in general was much better. The mechanics, technique and concept really grew on me in those two lines and definitely did yourself justice. Good job.

Camarac, first line is pretty simple but definitely opens the reader up. Kudos for that. Second line continues the chemistry you had with the first. Hasn't really gotten us anywhere but it's a solid build up. Third line's imagery is solid, and it flows nicely, just not getting bored conceptually. Last line didn't do it for me at all. Read very awkwardly. Sorry mate but I felt the ball being dropped at the end of this piece.

Baron, really wasn't a fan of the way 'chartreuse' reads but imagery wise it was a solid choice and definitely more creative than the other options you could've went with. Other than that, lots of solid imagery in this opening line. I really fuck with this second line. Lots of imagery and it flowed well. The third line is possibly the line of the battle honestly. Very well done. Felt you ended on a very nice move as well. That last bar in general is just flawless bro.

Creativity - Going to give it to Baron X, mainly for his imagery but also for the second half of his piece. Flawless.

Flow - Going to give this one to Matheny. Felt though Baron X has a really solid, poetically put piece. Matheny's rhyme scheme just had more depth to it. Especially his third lines honestly, the mechanics in it were a solid addition.

Use of Topic - Baron X, hands down his approach was the most entertaining to me. Loved it.

Really close battle, honestly, much closer than the other battle but I have to give it to Baron X. Sorry gents.
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TOPICAL BATTLE RECORD: 4-3
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