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Old 10-12-2017, 08:17 AM   #11
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Baron X - 3 Treacherous - 2 Baron Mynd - 0
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Old 10-12-2017, 11:50 AM   #12
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Crippled; concaved lay the wastes of what was once simply solid pavement
The paths lay crooked and cracked, an ode to an old squalid enslavement
Sandals savagely stomping on stones; a tiring, tortuous engagement
The continuous cracks that break a poor father's back are Revenge's payment

liked your ideas but the wording left something to be desired in parts, felt off in places that i think you could easily correct if you had went over it a little more. you had ample amnt of imagery to connect to the idea of broken paths for such a short topical format. flow was ok for this as well think it slightly got off in the final 2 lines but nothing TOO detrimental to the verse, was a fine showing here, i liked it, just felt the wording left something more to be looked at

I arrived at the pearly gates with a choice to make
either a righteous and worthy faith or to sit and toil away.
A finger points my way before its changed to an open hand
and I hoist a raised finger back at him; taking the broken path.

i loved your concept to this, the flow works 'cause of how you're building the scheme through this so that was perfectly fine to me. but the real brilliance for me was within the actual idea of broken path and what you managed to spin on it. really liked the concept as stated and how you built around a festering desire to take a road more traveled often than not. neat take on the idea and executed really well!

A spider's web is woven tight, of sharp chartruse and tones of white
alone at night, it holds with might and bridges a span more than moles and mites
bold and bright, behold the sight, the very web is woven from the golden light
but for the fly, o' how cold the plight, a path upon death for a soul so slight...

did you mean chartreuse? not a huge deal i got what you mean from it and its a nice vocab to lob into the mix. i feel the a after bridges took away slightly from the line. very dark poetic poe esq of you with this verse. the flow is great, schemes all around. your concept is one that is a unique approach to the topic

Creativity--tie between the 2 barons. liked them each for separate reasons, mynd's was such a great idea, x's was an elaborate vibe that got to me, i liked the ideas here a lot
Flow/Scheme--x. far and away the best at this category, more consistent, not forced, very even, he really excels at this category in pretty much every battle of his i read
Use of Topic--mynd. while x's was out of the box and treach's had a great story to unfold i really liked the approach by mynd, simple, unconventional path to the topic, made for it to be enjoyable

Vote--kinda 1a 1b here with me not really sure which i liked more between mynd/x to be honest so i guess a tie between them

all 3 had a great showing to me i just enjoyed the approach by mynd and the story ability by x, treach's was also good but the wording issues kinda threw it off for me but had a great concept that would've been better if someone hadn't already portrayed a similar idea earlier in the tourny. i tend to roll with a cleaner/more original aspect and that to me was with mynd/x so i guess tie for them
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Old 10-14-2017, 11:55 AM   #13
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Honestly I was hoping this would be closed by now I didn't want to have to vote on it lol it's a tough one to call for sure. I'm sorry in advance if it appears that I am looking for flaws, the only way I could make a decision is pick the lines down to the bones.

Crippled; concaved lay the wastes of what was once simply solid pavement
The paths lay crooked and cracked, an ode to an old squalid enslavement
Sandals savagely stomping on stones; a tiring, tortuous engagement
The continuous cracks that break a poor father's back are Revenge's payment

ok first line - nice imagery and description. On the first couple of reads I didn't think I liked the beginning of "crippled; concaved" but now that I've literally read thru these verses several times each, it has grown on me and I like it.

2nd line - I can't help but point out that 'enslavement' is an act and would be classified as a verb rather than a place/noun - but I understand the intent. Actually now that I think about it, it can be connected in a sense that "an ode to an old squalid enslavement" can be a metaphor for the broken path that turned practices that were similar to indentured servitude into slavery to begin with, so if that was the intent or not, that's what I got out of it.


3rd line - love the alliteration 'sandals savagely stomping on stones' creates the image of an army of greeks or romans marching down the cobblestone roads.

4th - i like the nod to the old game/saying about stepping on cracks, creates a feeling of nostalgia.

So overall I seen a couple different literal and metaphorical examples of a 'broken path'








Quote:
I arrived at the pearly gates with a choice to make
either a righteous and worthy faith or to sit and toil away.
A finger points my way before its changed to an open hand
and I hoist a raised finger back at him; taking the broken path.
1st line - nice set up, creates an easy visual
2nd line - i like the parallel you created here 'heaven or hell'
3rd line - again, nice visual
4th line - comedic and dark at the same time lol

so yeah obviously you kept this short and sweet so the flow was there. It's a common analogy so easy to visualize even with minimal wording. I like that you were able to tell a complete story in so few words. I get the ending, you chose for yourself, because fuck letting anyone else do it for you. I don't really have a complaint. It's worth noting that the connection to 'broken path' is very faint though.







Quote:
A spider's web is woven tight, of sharp chartruse and tones of white
alone at night, it holds with might and bridges a span more than moles and mites
bold and bright, behold the sight, the very web is woven from the golden light
but for the fly, o' how cold the plight, a path upon death for a soul so slight...
1st line - wtf @ the visual right off the bat, you got multis, assonance and descriptive imagery

2nd line - i like first half of this line - you kind of lost me a little with 'bridges a span more than moles and mights'. Like i get bridges a span part, but I don't see the connection to moles and mights. but the flow/multis/inners were still good

3rd line - I like how you compared the web to a golden light, after the 1st line were you compared the color to chartruse. and the descriptive language here just brings back to the beginning (like : in case you forgot how beautiful and intricate this web is, let me 'splain it to you again)

4th line - oh damn. that's probably of of the most poetic ways I've ever seen anyone talk about a fly caught in a web tbh.

I get the story overall, the web is the break in the path of the fly. thus : broken path.






So yeah Like i said - been avoiding this because i like all 3 verses in their own way.


I'm gonna break down the categories, but know they were NOT the deciding factor here. They just help me flesh out my thoughts on comparing the 3 verses.


Use of Topic - Baron Mynd and Baron X both had a subtle connection to the topic, but still told a complete story in 4 lines. Treach definitely didn't slack in the fact that I see several examples of broken paths from literal to metaphorical. I think at the end of the day if I had to call a winner here - Baron Mynd - his connection to the term broken path was so subtle I almost didn't catch what he did, those last two lines is what did it for me. "a finger points my way before it changed to an open hand" to me seemed like an invite to heaven, where as in the 4th line he gives God the finger and chooses hell thus completely breaking his path.



Flow/Scheme - This is close between both Barons. Where Mynd had a short/to the point flow. BX had an intricate stream of multis and inners.
Calling a winner here I'd have to say Baron X

Creativity - Treacherous - hands down made me think the most about what he said and formulate theories and ideas that wasn't even written there. .


So I'm like back at square one lol

I enjoyed all 3 of your verses, and you all shined brighter in 1 category over the others. Like I said the categories didn't affect my decision but it did help me to formulate a better idea of everyone's strong suits. This one came down to sheer Enjoyment for me, as I said : I enjoyed all 3. But, the one I got just a slight more enjoyment out of was - Treacherous
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Old 10-15-2017, 11:33 AM   #14
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@Baron Mynd

I arrived at the pearly gates with a choice to make
either a righteous and worthy faith or to sit and toil away.
A finger points my way before its changed to an open hand
and I hoist a raised finger back at him; taking the broken path.


Right out of the gate, open hand/broken path is a no go. Only the broken/open part rhymes. "Toil away" is very slant compared to the other rhymes. So I take it this dude flipped God the bird? Thats some ballsy shit. The concept is very unique. The flow doesn't falter at all, but its the rhyme choices that really bring this piece down. The scheme is AABB and we really have to see a different and out-of-the-ordinary scheme to take that category. From the beginning to "worthy fate" is golden... Then you choose to use "toil away". Idk if "points my way" is close enough to "toil away" for me to consider it a multi. The imagery is easy to picture because really there is only one view of the pearly gates that people see. Clouds and a big golden gate... I take it the dude is going to hell now.

@Baron X

A spider's web is woven tight, of sharp chartruse and tones of white
alone at night, it holds with might and bridges a span more than moles and mites
bold and bright, behold the sight, the very web is woven from the golden light
but for the fly, o' how cold the plight, a path upon death for a soul so slight...


Flow and rhyme scheme king over here. So your take on "Broken Paths" was that of a fly dying in a spiders web? This is going to be hard to judge in the creative category. The flow and rhyme scheme is constant and top knotch, not a single complaint in the technicality department. I do, however, have to say that the "use of the topic" isn't as noticeable as it should be. The whole thing refers to a spiders web... until the final libe where the fly gets entangled in it. Some can argue that your use of topic took too long to finally reach and that it wasn't present since the beginning. Yet, I notice that the spiders web IS the broken path its self, so I give you some slack. Overall, dope verse.. I just love the beautiful language

@Treacherous

Crippled; concaved lay the wastes of what was once simply solid pavement
The paths lay crooked and cracked, an ode to an old squalid enslavement
Sandals savagely stomping on stones; a tiring, tortuous engagement
The continuous cracks that break a poor father's back are Revenge's payment


Broken path... Literally spoken but figuratively portrayed. So rhyme scheme... This is an interestingly new usage. Idk if it was meant on purpose... But I'll assume it was. First off "solid pavement/squalid enslavement" is one syllable off. Then you rhyme "engagement/enslavement" taking out the previous "solid rhyme" and then again with "payment" THOUGH its syllable count matches the beginning word.... I'll assume you did all of that on purpose. I like the metaphor a lot tbh. Its like "this is what fatherhood does to you"... I kinda wish you would've thrown in somewhere that all of this destruction is worth it to a father. PS... Step on a crack and break your mothers back... Step on a line and break your fathers spine... But no biggie I suppose.

This Is hard AF tbh.... This'll be close between at least two people.

Creativity -- Treacherous -- for one reason only... See, looking at the ideas... We have a biblical concept (done a lot), a prey and predator concept (not done a lot but not new) and a comparison concept (which is done a lot, BUT you also get the benefits of being specific). Overall I think the view of fatherhood and comparison to an actual broken path trumps flicking god off and a fly getting rekt'd.

Flow/Scheme -- Baron X -- this is sorta a give away... Though I liked Matheny's scheme more... Baron had a constant one (which tied it between them two) but his flow didnt falter once... Compared to one inconsistency with Maths

Use of Topic -- Treacherous -- this felt more noticeable for "broken paths". Like, if you read what the topic will be before each verse and you start reading each verse... Math's is the clearest in terms of topic usage. You read either Baron's and say "when will broken paths be introduced".

Vote -- Treacherous.... I can see 100% where someone would pick Baron X in this case... But I guess the concept from Treach just interested me more. Sorry to Baron Mynd, I feel this isn't the type of work you normally do though. Like, concept wise it is... Cause the concept was a fresh take, but mechanic wise... You dropped the ball. Normally you are much more fluent than this. This was a difficult battle to vote... Glad I took weeks to vote it lmao (not really... Sry)
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Old 10-15-2017, 11:16 PM   #15
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Baron X - 4 Treacherous - 4 Baron Mynd - 1
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"A rhyming cannibal who's dressed to kill and cynical
Whether is it animal, vegetable, or mineral
It's a miracle how he get so lyrical
And proceed to move the crowd like a old Negro spiritual
"
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Old Yesterday, 12:00 PM   #16
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math
Quote:
Crippled; concaved lay the wastes of what was once simply solid pavement
The paths lay crooked and cracked, an ode to an old squalid enslavement
Sandals savagely stomping on stones; a tiring, tortuous engagement
The continuous cracks that break a poor father's back are Revenge's payment
that concaved bit made no sense to me. i know where u are getting at but the composition itself was weird. "concaved lay the wastes....". really admire the crooked and cracked word selection as it pertains not only to the physiological context as well as the metaphorical. solid pavement and squalid enslavement seems to be off by a syllable. but i thought the conjoining concept was solid between the first two lines. i've always recognize the break back to breaking a "mother's" back lol. no big deal as i got what u were getting at. again dug the "cracked" usage. in this case i see three possible intepretation - crack, drugs, perhaps. crack in a mental context, and of course the literal observation. overall, this short line, i felt did a great job attempting to dig into the root of social decay. word.

mynd
Quote:
I arrived at the pearly gates with a choice to make
either a righteous and worthy faith or to sit and toil away.
first line was direct and didn't need much to understand. good clear opening. the 2nd line was a bit weird to me. specifically in the comparative nature of the two ideas. righteous and worthy faith/ sit and toil away. i don't understand the correlation. are u referring to atheist? it didn't see like a balanced comparision, nah mean?

Quote:
A finger points my way before its changed to an open hand
and I hoist a raised finger back at him; taking the broken path.
from my understanding you seem to be flicking off either God or st peter? i like that you took a more humorous approach. perhaps a commentary on religion or am i overthinking?

overall i like the unique/humored based nature of this verse. my qualm is i'm not sure why lol. it felt hollow because after reading i found myself saying.."oookkkaaayyyy.....". so u flicked off heaven to go to hell. why? of course in 4 lines its hard to give exposition but, yeah, the lasting feeling i got was "ok...".

x
Quote:
A spider's web is woven tight, of sharp chartruse and tones of white
alone at night, it holds with might and bridges a span more than moles and mites
bold and bright, behold the sight, the very web is woven from the golden light
but for the fly, o' how cold the plight, a path upon death for a soul so slight.
first line was dope. great smorgasbord of imagery, exposition (done the right way imo). the second line was good too but i questioned the word selections of moles and mites. i felt those specific words were used for the sake of rhymescheme and alliteration. it lacked pathos which much of ur word choices so far seems hold up to that point. 3rd line was awesome too. great wording, nothing felt forced. u def utilied ur knack for multies well here. last line was good but, again, i felt the weaker point was the very end. Soul so slight was weirdly constructed. questional wording aside, this was a great piece. i've always love verses centering around perspective. one fly's death trap is a spider's treasure. the majestic imagery and of the web signify the awe-inspiring effect as only pertain to the spider. but the poor fly....

i felt mynd was more precised than x or math but x was able to convey poignant duality in a matter of 4 lines and make it feel complete lol. and Math delivered a very impressive poetic licensing of societal ill utilizing some very clever sleight of pen. the base after effect. which piece resonated more. so with that said,

mvgt/baron x. i read each verse about 3 times. baron x's verse jumped at me more with its ambition and mechanics. well done guys.
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Old Yesterday, 06:24 PM   #17
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Baron X wins, will move when I get a chance
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"A rhyming cannibal who's dressed to kill and cynical
Whether is it animal, vegetable, or mineral
It's a miracle how he get so lyrical
And proceed to move the crowd like a old Negro spiritual
"
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