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Old 11-04-2017, 11:34 PM   #11
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Ombre:

We Marvel at the fact of how anyone can be the just,
our super sanity becomes the Joker that believes in us!
and it's fooling you into seeing something we'd all run from,
the unknown mystique we try to capture with loved ones,
It's strange how strong our instinct to be a super hero is..
To prove that it's real, defying truth behind fearlessness,

these first few lines are really nice they paint a good picture so far here, some deep shit too with trying to be a super hero, that's real shit and hit home for me so I liked this

and we seek something incredible -- reaching for cameras,
bleating with damage, each Sun in us gleaming like amethysts'
our soul portrays a hidden Batman embedded in each of us
all we see is the Flash, a quick reflex we leave in dusts,
one blink and it's always shrouded in those hypothetical's
NEWS channels seemingly seeking things I would never do,

again continuing with a nice flow still painting the same picture again getting deep with the Flash shit liked this

they'll never admit it but our cities are plagued with violence,
crimes, tainted tyrants, saying they need a way to fight it..
all I do is sit and wonder, is this desire a one time fling?
what if I got a gift of thunder or justice in guns I bring?
Who knows... I ain't done a thing.

I liked this as a closer set of lines venturing a little bit away from previous lines but not really, flow just decent this time, don't think you gave up or anything, was good just not as good as the pervious set of lines.


Vam:

rap-royalty.comTar colored fog blots out the sun, like poison choking its victims and robbing them of all life.
Even at night the stars are for not, none survived soaked in the powerful fumes clawed through bodies like the sharpest knife.

this was just a decent opener here flow was ok, but to me was off at times. Still liked what you were doing here vivid for sure, deep and dark

A booming city turned into a mass graveyard overnight.
Weeks before the looming threat of a new gas, said to be pestilence jarred, a instantaneous plight. One to make all defenses, all wars seem trite.

again like where you are still going here but flow getting a little better but not by much, but really feel the dark feeling you are portraying here for sure

For one night, all fighting ceased the invaders pleased they combed over their wicked gains observing those they slain.
They ruined the land they claimed and choose their fate to reign over nothing more then a wastelands
Funny to think that while it only used once in hate, caused so much fear in the clans they never fought again.
Called "God's Hand" blasphemy if used by a mortal man

felt like you took off here, these last few lines were really nice imo, flow more on point here too and just got deeper and more dark here too


Overall:

I feel like this battle was real close both had some nice imagery here I really did like both. So not that I am necessary saying it's ALL because of this but...while both were painting a good pictures, I felt that Vam did a much better job of depicting his image, creating a dark feeling and sickening ideas, like the image shows....even with a rough flow at first I felt Vam pulled it together enough in the end combined with what I was saying about the picture depiction my vote goes to Lil Vam. Thanks for a good read guys, real cool how you guys are able to do this regularly, inspires me to try and think of deeper lines/rhymes. So thanks and again Vam got this imo, but not by much.
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Old 11-08-2017, 09:08 PM   #12
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Cody Phoenix - I thought you did decent with your topic. I've read better topicals from you, but I enjoyed reading this. I enjoyed the subtle references you made too Joker and The Batman. It added a nice flare to the topic you were talking about. I enjoyed the metaphors, for instance 'each Sun in us gleaming like amethysts', and other literary elements. Good work on the wrapping up this topical with nice touches. Nice job.

Little Vam - I thought you did decent with your topical. I enjoyed your vocabulary, and some of the imagery you made. I thought your rhyme patterns could be a bit better, but that's okay. Everything else was well done. Nothing seemed too out of place with this piece. Enjoyed the ending. Nice work.

Overall - I thought both did well in their own right. But I thought Cody Phoenix had the overall better piece. It felt more complete. Had more compacted in it. Little Vam could strive to add more in his rhyme, with better metaphors and similes. Good job to both, but my vote goes to Cody Phoenix.

Vote - Cody Phoenix.
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Old 11-09-2017, 09:19 PM   #13
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3 votes submitted.
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[Today 09:02 PM] Disputer: If this is Faget by Korn, Ruvik, I will be angry.

Fernando
: Hajime is currently sitting on his Cheez Whiz stained beanbag chair yelling at his mother for turkey and taters while smoking his menthol cigarettes. He is busy.

Little Vam: I have so much ice, they gonna call me ASAP ANTARTICA
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Old 11-11-2017, 01:11 AM   #14
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I did not realize this was open still.

Cody/Ombre

Quote:
We Marvel at the fact of how anyone can be the just,
our super sanity becomes the Joker that believes in us,
and it's fooling you into seeing something we'd all run from,
the unknown mystique we try to capture with loved ones,
It's strange how strong our instinct to be a super hero is..
To prove that it's real, defying truth behind fearlessness,
and we seek something incredible -- reaching for cameras,
bleating with damage, each Sun in us gleaming like amethysts'
our soul portrays a hidden Batman embedded in each of us
all we see is the Flash, a quick reflex we leave in dusts,
one blink and it's always shrouded in those hypothetical's
NEWS channels seemingly seeking things I would never do,
they'll never admit it but our cities are plagued with violence,
crimes, tainted tyrants, saying they need a way to fight it..
all I do is sit and wonder, is this desire a one time fling?
what if I got a gift of thunder or justice in guns I bring?
Who knows... I ain't done a thing.
I remember replying to this in the OM section, but this was dope and not at all what i would imagine looking at the pic you chose. So I highlighted all of the name-drop references with red and general references with yellow and unsure ones with blue.... I might have missed a couple things but this helps me be more aware of the content. I like the overall message of it being "everyone wants to be a hero, except that dream is living inside of us instead of seeking out injustices and correcting them, even the small minute things. That's a real world issue that I applaud you shining the light on. I like this short bar style from you as well. It's straight to the point. The overall mechanics of it were (compared to other works I've seen from you) slightly dull, not that I was expecting 5-7 syllable multis or anything, this was more poetic/spoken word than flow savvy, (if that makes sense?) Which is not really a bad thing (unless the verse you're against is super flow savvy) I enjoyed the re-read of this though. Always cool to see an associative theme throughout a piece.

Vammy

Quote:
Tar colored fog blots out the sun, like poison choking its victims and robbing them of all life.
Even at night the stars are for not, none survived soaked in the powerful fumes clawed through bodies like the sharpest knife.

so lots of description in these lines, I like it. I can tell immediately you're going for a spoken word style too. With that said (and I know you've improved tf outta this area since this battle) - The length of line to get from rhyme to rhyme, is too much. Gotta trim the fat - descriptive words are great but it's always good to keep a decent cadence in mind. You don't wanna say one line at one speed, then have to double time it to get thru the next one. (i can see you went life/night/survived/knife ... but that 1 syllable x4 isn't enough to carry such a long set of lines)

Quote:
A booming city turned into a mass graveyard overnight.
Weeks before the looming threat of a new gas, said to be pestilence jarred, a instantaneous plight. One to make all defenses, all wars seem trite.
same thing here Vam, first line - perfect length to gain a decent flow/cadence but the 2nd one - super long just to get from night to plight to trite. That said, I'm really enjoying your imagery.

Quote:
For one night, all fighting ceased the invaders pleased they combed over their wicked gains observing those they slain.
They ruined the land they claimed and choose their fate to reign over nothing more then a wasteland
Funny to think that while it only used once in hate, caused so much fear in the clans they never fought again.
Called "God's Hand" blasphemy if used by a mortal man
it's hard to break this down into couplets because I see - night/fight(ing) goes with the previous rhymes. Then you got ceased/pleased - and gains/slain. land/wasteland (unless its a punchline or double entendre or have some significant meaning I would discourage you from rhyming the same words like that.) I get where your piece was going as sort of an epic tale that had a moral lesson. This verse is a testament to how much you've improved tbh. It was a great start to using the imagery/descriptive words - And now you're learning to trim the unnecessary words and improving on flow.

I know I'm not the only one who's proud of how far Vam has came in the last 2 months, but I think this battle goes to Cody/Ombre for better overall mechanics/elements. It was clean and precise. I liked the theme of both pieces but Cody's was more defined and fleshed out.

MVGT - Cody/Ombre
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Old 11-12-2017, 12:50 AM   #15
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We Marvel at the fact of how anyone can be the just,
our super sanity becomes the Joker that believes in us,
and it's fooling you into seeing something we'd all run from,
the unknown mystique we try to capture with loved ones,
It's strange how strong our instinct to be a super hero is..
To prove that it's real, defying truth behind fearlessness,
and we seek something incredible -- reaching for cameras,
bleating with damage, each Sun in us gleaming like amethysts'
our soul portrays a hidden Batman embedded in each of us
all we see is the Flash, a quick reflex we leave in dusts,
one blink and it's always shrouded in those hypothetical's
NEWS channels seemingly seeking things I would never do,
they'll never admit it but our cities are plagued with violence,
crimes, tainted tyrants, saying they need a way to fight it..
all I do is sit and wonder, is this desire a one time fling?
what if I got a gift of thunder or justice in guns I bring?
Who knows... I ain't done a thing.

Ok, I am a bit thrown off by exactly what you are seeing here

We Marvel at the fact of how anyone can be the just,
our super sanity becomes the Joker that believes in us,

It's strange how strong our instinct to be a super hero is..
To prove that it's real, defying truth behind fearlessness,

our soul portrays a hidden Batman embedded in each of us
all we see is the Flash, a quick reflex we leave in dusts,

I see alot of super hero refferences, but then you are throwing thing off with stuff like this

one blink and it's always shrouded in those hypothetical's
NEWS channels seemingly seeking things I would never do,
they'll never admit it but our cities are plagued with violence,
crimes, tainted tyrants, saying they need a way to fight it..
all I do is sit and wonder, is this desire a one time fling?
what if I got a gift of thunder or justice in guns I bring?
Who knows... I ain't done a thing.

Because of that, I don't get what your direction is. Are you talking fighting crime, become villains from hero's, being more than man, what does a gun have to do with the rest.. and the I ain't done a thing, seems forced



Tar colored fog blots out the sun, like poison choking its victims and robbing them of all life.
Even at night the stars are for not, none survived soaked in the powerful fumes clawed through bodies like the sharpest knife.
A booming city turned into a mass graveyard overnight.
Weeks before the looming threat of a new gas, said to be pestilence jarred, a instantaneous plight. One to make all defenses, all wars seem trite.
For one night, all fighting ceased the invaders pleased they combed over their wicked gains observing those they slain.
They ruined the land they claimed and choose their fate to reign over nothing more then a wasteland
Funny to think that while it only used once in hate, caused so much fear in the clans they never fought again.
Called "God's Hand" blasphemy if used by a mortal man

Ok, this one I get, it's a detailed of a Nuke going off, it's worded and I understand the actual vision, or see mankind playing god with weapons ofd mass destruction



Now for the cats

Vam killed this to me with subject, description, story telling, and set up. I didn't honestly care for anyone's multi's as they really were pretty miss, Ombre your subject matter through me off, and it was very vague as to what you were getting at, and the ending was cut lazy it seems, like you didn't feel like messing with it anymore or something. Vam your bars were stretched out like a mad man, so structure would definitely go to Ombre

My vote = Vam
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Old 11-14-2017, 10:58 AM   #16
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5 votes submitted.
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[Today 09:02 PM] Disputer: If this is Faget by Korn, Ruvik, I will be angry.

Fernando
: Hajime is currently sitting on his Cheez Whiz stained beanbag chair yelling at his mother for turkey and taters while smoking his menthol cigarettes. He is busy.

Little Vam: I have so much ice, they gonna call me ASAP ANTARTICA
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Old 11-15-2017, 06:30 PM   #17
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Creativity--cody
Entertainment--tie
Flow--vam
Rhyme Scheme--vam
Consistency/Topic--cody
Lit. Elements--cody
Vocabulary--cody
Emotion--neither
Imagery--neither
Vote--cody

Explanation of how the person won and where both can improve Ė this was a little closer than i expected. i liked little vam's idea but his lazy structure and wordin really is a buzz kill for his verses. "Funny to think that while it only used once in hate" <- things like that gotta be worded better. throws the whole piece off with the lousy approach to writin. cody had a good idea as well and i liked his take on the topic. it was original, creative, and had a nice theme. i do wish he did something more with his flow, he kept it really simplistic but it is what it is. cody had the better language and vibe of his piece. i liked the ideas vam put forth but his lack of great wordin holds him back from hitting the next level. vam put up a good showin regardless of the little hiccups here and there i was surprised by his verse. but the endin wasnt so grippin or thought inducing as say his openin bar was. that shit reeled me in but the story didnt do much from that point forward. kinda just stayed and hover in neutral. cody's piece was well thought out, articulated, again a great idea. i think cody with the experience was able to take this one as a result
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Old 11-15-2017, 10:44 PM   #18
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6 votes submitted.
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[Today 09:02 PM] Disputer: If this is Faget by Korn, Ruvik, I will be angry.

Fernando
: Hajime is currently sitting on his Cheez Whiz stained beanbag chair yelling at his mother for turkey and taters while smoking his menthol cigarettes. He is busy.

Little Vam: I have so much ice, they gonna call me ASAP ANTARTICA
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Old 11-16-2017, 01:57 PM   #19
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Ombre Du Muerte: Iím a big comic book fan so stuff like this resonates with me normally. Your flow was sharp as always. For a short drop this was good from a fundamental perspective. Some hero/villain references you made were natural and fit (Mystique, Flash, not sure if you intended to utilize Blink [I doubt it] but it worked) into the piece, while others stuck out like a sore thumb (Joker, Batman, Thor, you didnít outright reference the Punisher and there are about a million heroes that use guns but I figured thatís who you were going for). I also found no connection between the picture and the verse and felt that the picture could have been left out, as it seemed misleading to me as a reader. Technically you flexed this and demonstrated strong fundamentals.

Little Vam: Cool image and a neat take on it. You make great vocabulary choices show consistently that you can write at a high level. You could benefit from really working on that structure (though youíve since improved in this area, ex: your PPV battle verse) and improving your wording. Youíve got disjointed line lengths in this drop and really did a poor job of stringing together rhymes for some much-needed fluidity. You have great ideas, I would just recommend practicing the fundamentals of rhyming and structuring to help organize those into a more seamless read.

First, I want to preface this by saying that I really hate ďopen topicĒ battles, I prefer to see two writers interpreting the same topic; it just feels a lot fairer to me. That said, the topics werenít the deciding factor of the battle; I liked Vamís topic and interpretation of it more than Ombreís, but Ombre was technically superior in every way. His piece was a much smoother read and displayed more of what I look for in topical verses. With structure and better rhyming in his verse, Vam may have likely received the nod from me. As it stands, I must hand this over to writer that brought more tools to the table and effectively used them.

MVGT: Ombre Du Muerte.
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[Today 09:02 PM] Disputer: If this is Faget by Korn, Ruvik, I will be angry.

Fernando
: Hajime is currently sitting on his Cheez Whiz stained beanbag chair yelling at his mother for turkey and taters while smoking his menthol cigarettes. He is busy.

Little Vam: I have so much ice, they gonna call me ASAP ANTARTICA
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Old 11-16-2017, 01:58 PM   #20
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7 votes submitted.
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[Today 09:02 PM] Disputer: If this is Faget by Korn, Ruvik, I will be angry.

Fernando
: Hajime is currently sitting on his Cheez Whiz stained beanbag chair yelling at his mother for turkey and taters while smoking his menthol cigarettes. He is busy.

Little Vam: I have so much ice, they gonna call me ASAP ANTARTICA
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